January 20, 2010

Remembering an Embarassing Moment

I'm not easily embarassed, I never have been. However, it can be done, and I usually end up doing it to myself when those moments do occur. On the plus side, at least they're normally funny...

Back in high school, I had to go to the gynecologist for one of those dreaded yearly pap smear things - fun times. It was either my first or second time, so not a whole lot of experience with strangers violating my hoo-hoo with metallic ducks, mini spatulas, and tiny bottle brushes. I elected to bring a dear friend with me, hoping she might be able to distract me from the stirrups.

We walked into the exam room. She sat down in a chair near the door. I undressed and put on the napkin I was handed. Seriously - what is that thing supposed to cover exactly? And, what is it that the Dr. isn't going to see? I felt a little ridiculous in that thing.

I'll spare you the details, but the Dr. finished her exam. It wasn't that bad - I've certainly had worse. Anyway...

Dear old Doc left the room so that I could get dressed. The Dr. had allowed me to keep my socks on, so that my feet wouldn't get cold in the stirrups. It's so nice when they try to keep your comfort in mind. My friend had spent her time neatly folding my clothes on her lap (she even folded my underwear).

I took off the half a sheet of newspaper I had been dressed in, used it to clean myself up a bit (ladies - you know the kind of clean-up that's needed after that procedure). I then proceeded to walk over to my friend and bend over her, to pick up my underwear.

Now, I'm not sure if the Dr. knocked or not. I AM sure that neither of the two people still in that exam room heard a knock. What I DID hear was the door opening.

I'm bent over, in absolutely nothing but a pair of socks, right in front of the door that is now starting to swing open. I have no idea who is behind that door, but I do know that I have to think fast if I don't want to show off everything to some janitor or assistant, or ...

As quickly as is humanly possible, I turn directions, towards the examination table I was just laying on, which is behind one of those medical curtain things, now partially closed. I go to run towards it...

You know that movie scene where Tom Cruise slides along the polished floor in just a shirt and socks? Yes, well, he actually MEANT to slide...

I got about one step forward before my nice, warm, comfortable socks did what socks do best against super clean, polished, well-maintained linoleum flooring.

Quicker than any slip and slide I've ever tried in my life, I went sprawling to the floor. Apparently I had some pretty good force behind my quick motions too, because I kept sliding forward.

My body finally came to rest, perfectly straight, on my stomach, arms directly out in front of me; with the front have of my body underneath the examination table, and everything from my butt down sticking out into the open, from under the medical curtain.

You know what? Not even I, in that exact moment, could stop myself from laughing hysterically as I lay there with my buttocks glaring up at whoever it was that had just walked into the room.

As it turns out, it was the Dr. that had just examined me. She too couldn't help but let out a bit of a chuckle, but she was also worried about possible lawsuits and things of that nature that everyone worries about now.

So, she was desperately trying to make sure I was okay, while choking back the laughter that was so apparent in her voice.

Me? I was laughing FAR too hard to answer this poor woman. I couldn't catch my breath long enough to do it. I tried, but it just wasn't going to happen.

My dear friend was finally able to tell her that I was fine. She left the room. I managed to get up and finish getting dressed. Then, I quickly exited that office.

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